the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
