why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't deserve a penis
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
