battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
