I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
