Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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