Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
