Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
