can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
