How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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