you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
