My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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