Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
