billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
