Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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