I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
