he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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