took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
