You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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