I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
