i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
