I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
