He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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