Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
