her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
