Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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