Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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