Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
