Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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