She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
