new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
