So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
