we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
