i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
