I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
