she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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