I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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