I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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