My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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