I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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