Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
