Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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