So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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