Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
