I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I know her cup size but not her name....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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