too bad you live with your parents still
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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