I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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