I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
