yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
