remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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