my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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