I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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