Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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